Saturday, May 30, 2015

Translating Hillary

Hillary is once again faking a southern drawl.

We all remember the amusing, "I dont feel no ways tar'd" episode a few years back now. Of course, it's not easy to maintain an adopted drawl. During her South Carolina swing, Hillary affected that Southern twang, but unlike an operatic diva, she just couldn't hold the note.

Then it struck me.

Hillary needs her southern affectations -- just like everything else about her -- scripted.

So, thanks to the Dialectizer website, I propose that we do just that! Let's draft her southern affected messaging for her. To get her started, I used the dialectizer to translate her April 2, 2015 remarks on the negotiations with Iran regarding nuclear power and weapons.

Here's her original text:

The understanding that the major world powers have reached with Iran is an important step toward a comprehensive agreement that would prevent Iran from getting a nuclear weapon and strengthen the security of the United States, Israel, and the region. President Obama and Secretary Kerry have been persistent and determined in pursuit of this goal, building on a decade of bipartisan pressure and diplomacy. Getting the rest of the way to a final deal by June won’t be easy, but it is absolutely crucial. I know well that the devil is always in the details in this kind of negotiation. So I strongly support President Obama and Secretary Kerry’s efforts between now and June to reach a final deal that verifiably cuts off all of Iran’s paths to a nuclear weapon, imposes an intrusive inspection program with no sites off limits, extends breakout time, and spells out clear and overwhelming consequences for violations. The onus is on Iran and the bar must be set high. It can never be permitted to acquire a nuclear weapon. It is also vital that these efforts be part of a compressive strategy to check Iran’s regional ambitions, defend our allies and partners, and reinforce American leadership in the Middle East. There is much to do and much more to say in the months ahead, but for now diplomacy deserves a chance to succeed.

Here's the much improved Southern:

Th' unnerstan'in' thet th' majo' wo'ld powers haf retched wif Iran is an impo'tant step toward a comprehensive agreement thet'd prevent Iran fum gittin' a nucular weapon an' stren'then th' security of th' United States, Israel, an' th' region, as enny fool kin plainly see. President Obama an' Secretary Kerry haf been persissent an' determined in pursueyt of this hyar goal, buildin' on a decade of bipartisan pressure an' diplomacy. Gittin' th' ress of th' way t'a final deal by June won’t be easy, but it is absolutely crucial, ah reckon. ah knows fine thet th' devil is allus in th' details in this hyar kind of negotiashun. So ah strongly suppo't President Obama an' Secretary Kerry’s effo'ts between now an' June t'retch a final deal thet vahifiably cuts off all of Iran’s paths t'a nucular weapon, imposes an intrusive inspeckshun program wif no sites off limits, extends bustout time, an' spells out clear an' on overwhelmin' cornsequences fo' violashuns. Th' onus is on Iran an' th' bar muss be set high. It kin nevah be permitted t'acquire a nucular weapon, as enny fool kin plainly see. It is also vital thet these effo'ts be part of a compressive strategy t'check Iran’s regional ambishuns, defend our allies an' partners, an' reinfo'ce South Car'linan leadership in th' Middle East. Thar is much t'do an' much mo'e t'say in th' months ahaid, but fo' now diplomacy desarves a chance t'succeed, cuss it all t' tarnation.

I must say, the whole process of affecting a drawl to try and convince folks that by nature and right ought to be recoiling at the idea of your presidency is an amusing thing. No, really. This hyar is mo'e fun than a barrel of monkeys. Eff'n yern't too busy, try it out! Fry mah hide!