Tuesday, August 5, 2014

A Reading from the Gospel of Creflo and Benny

And the Lord returned from the lake to the shore and saw gathered there a great multitude.

And the Lord knew that the crowd had not all contributed funds for the maintenance of his new Cigarette Marine Racing Boat, capable of exceeding 130 mph.  Therefore, He did direct his disciples to conduct a collection from amongst the crowd.  And there was gathered 10 drachma, which the Lord did look upon with despite, because such would not provide sufficient fuel to turn over the three engines powering his vessel.

Therefore a second time did the Lord cause his disciples to pass among the crowd to collect for the maintenance fund for his 2014 Mercedes E Class Sedan with which He did compass about the entire land.  But the disciples returned unto the Lord having gathered only five drachma, and the Lord was stirred in His anger toward the people.

But because He would not, yet, in his anger and sore displeasure cause cankers and boils to erupt in the tender thighs of this people, He did send His disciples again amongst the people to gather their offerings for the mortgage balance on his 10,000 square foot estate on the shores of Galilee.  And again his disciples passed among the people, and again they returned with not much offering unto the Lord, having gathered only three drachmas.

Now was the Lord much wroth with the stinginess and ingratitude of those that had gathered.  Seeing how the crowd had waited many hours during the collecting of offerings and having walked out to the sea side to hear him, he caused the crowd to be seated, and he did begin to speak:

Surely, surely I say unto thee, because thou has failed to give the first ten percent of your income unto me, for the maintenance of my luxury boat, my luxury car and my luxury home, I have weighed you and found you wanting.

Looking into the crowd, he observed a man who was halt and lame in one leg, and he called him forth from the crowd.  And knowing that in his change purse he possessed a drachma, the Lord did direct Peter, James and John to seize him, to shake him violently while being held upside down, and to take his purse from him.  After Matthew did take up the drachma, Jesus calmed his disciples and the man did stand again before the Lord.  And the Lord did say unto him:  I see that thou art lame in thy leg.  Turning to his disciples He said, Observe his lameness and how he did not give all that he had to God's anointed.  It is for this sin that he is lame, and he will remain lame until he doth learn to give until it hurteth.  Then the Lord smote his whole leg and did cause a palsy to come upon it, and the man crawled back to his former place in the crowd.

And the Lord spoke in a great voice:

"Come unto me, ye very few who did give coins and stand with me.  And from the crowd of five thousand men plus women and children, there arose three elderly women from who all of the coins had been collected although they lived upon the charity of those gave alms to the poor.  And seeing the women, he spoke to the crowd and said, these women are blessed alone among you, for they gave all that they had for the maintenance of my kingly lifestyle.  He bid them three to sit with his disciples.

Then the Lord spoke again, and said, this matter of giving unto me comes before all others, for by the manner of your capacity of giving will I measure my capacity to care about you.  And he turned to the women and gave them some dirty sea water to drink and the left over moldy bread from a feast he had attended two weeks prior.  But the women, in the great thirst and hunger, complained not that he did so do, but quickly consumed the miserable morsels.

Then the Lord spoke and said, What came ye out into the wilderness to see?  Some miserly prophet eating locusts and honey?  No, ye came out to see one who, because he is the beloved of God, hath every manner of enrichment and emolument, whose anointing is evidenced by his cable network, his books sales and his hob-nobbing with both Herod and Pontius Pilate.  But you have hidden coins next to your heart and have not rendered them unto me.  So now I say unto ye, verily verily if thou leavest here today and have not given unto me, thou are a thief and a robber and God's spirit hath no part in thee.

At his words, a few in the crowd were moved, and as the disciples passed amongst the crowd, they didst give their coins unto the Lord.

When again his disciples returned from collecting, though the crowd was great in number, still they had only gathered a small number of coins.

Now the great anger of the Lord was waxed even hotter, and He did pick up his Uzi, and directing his disciples to take up theirs, they began to fire upon the crowd and did kill those whose crass greed and disobedience had prevented the Lord's maintenance collection to be sufficient according to the weekly budget plan of the Lord's fund maintenance trustees (consisting of the Lord, his brother James, and Mary, his mother).  And there were, that day, in the crowd, killed, some two hundred and fourteen selfish and greedy souls.  And as the Lord turned away from the crowd he did say unto them, those who had escaped the heat of his holy Uzi, "your fathers gave you manna in the wilderness, but if you want to hear the words of life from me, ye shall learn that the price of admission is 500 drachma for general seating, 1000 drachma for orchestra seating, and 5000 drachma for orchestra seating with VIP access and backstage passes."

Blessed be the Gospel of Benny and Creflo.