Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Governor Cuomo Solves School Bullying With New Normal Technique

Governor Cuomo has offered a new proposal for dealing with school ground bullies.  "Given recent events, we have to confront the reality of the 'new normal' in so many facets of our lives," the Governor announced during a press conference the day following the Boston Marathon bombing.

"So, today, I am announcing a 'new normal' pro-active defense strategy for those targeted by bullies on school playgrounds." 

At that point, the Governor reached underneath the podium, and lifted a large rock.  "When a bully is approaching," he intoned, "we have concluded that the surest way to avoid being beat up for your lunch money is, first, empty your wallet on the ground in front of you, step back, and then, as the bully is bending to retrieve the funds, STRIKE YOURSELF with the rock.  This blow has to be convincing.  It won't do simply to brush the rock against some extraneous body part.  Damage must be done and it must be seen to be done." 

Referring to the latest in progressive thought, King Andrew explained, "all indications are that, presented by a simpering coward, surrendering his money to him and then engaging in self-destructive physical self-harm, most bullies will simply walk over to the cafeteria and purchase a chocolate milk, chuckling as they go!"